just a week late...

So the past week was really busy for us so I have not been able to even get on the computer to post anything...I'm sorry! Ethan is home and has been since the day after his surgery. He was in ALOT of pain for a few days after he was discharged. In the most pain I have seen him actually. When they put this new shunt in they had to make an incision in his neck, so I think that was what was causing him so much pain. It is so hard to see your baby hurting so much and knowing there is not much I can do but give him a little pain medication. I was afraid to hold him wrong or to let him cry cause I knew it would be using the muscles in his neck. When Brayden got his first cold, I cried. When Brayden got his first scrap on his knee, I panicked and cried a bit more. But seeing Ethan, my 8 month old, suffer from pain from one of his numerous surgeries just about killed me.

The day I found out he would need another surgery I cried and kept asking why is this happening to us? Why him? I know Ethan is now considered an Ex- Preemie but he is still dealing with something that happened as a preemie baby...he kind of always will. Now that he has been home for a while (except for those two days) I find myself going back to his birthday day and all that time in the hospital. I cry, I get sad, I get angry and I try to figure out what I did wrong. It keeps me up at night but after I let myself "grieve" for a bit I think about the following poem that a friend of mine sent me right after Ethan's birth. I just have to remind myself that there is a reason I was chosen to be his mommy and how lucky I am that he is in my life.

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?



Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.


"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.


Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.


Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."


Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles.


"Give her a preemie."




The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."


"Exactly," smiles God.


"Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."


"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.


"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."


"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."


God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has just the right amount of selfishness."


The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"


God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary.


When her child says momma for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see-- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice-- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."


"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.


God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

Ethan has changed my life...for the good. He has made me view things with a whole new set of eyes. When he first did his "belly laugh" I cried so hard! I thought to myself why they heck am I crying...he is obviously so happy!!! Haha...but its because he is so happy that I was crying.:) Nothing brings this kid down.

Yes, he will have a few more surgeries in his life but he is healthy now. He has already overcame so much in his 8 months on the earth, he has already inspired so many.